BUREAU DIRECTIVE 001: MANDATORY STAIR LICENSING
Citizens,
It has come to the attention of this Bureau that you are currently in possession of, residing near, or have at some point in your life used a staircase. Under Vertical Transit Code Section 44.B.12 (amended), all staircases -- indoor, outdoor, spiral, straight, metaphorical, or imagined -- must be individually licensed, inspected, and certified by a Bureau-approved Stair Assessor (Grade III or above).
Failure to comply will result in your staircase being downgraded to a ramp. Repeat offenders will have their stairs replaced with a ladder and a note that says "good luck."
The Bureau was originally established in 1923 to regulate the alarming number of "uncontrolled vertical transitions" occurring in public buildings. We were defunded in 1998 when Congress determined that stairs were "not a threat." We were re-funded in 2002 when a clerical error allocated $4.7 billion intended for the Department of State to the Department of Stairs. We have been spending it ever since.
We currently employ 11,400 Stair Assessors across 72 countries. None of them have ever agreed on the correct number of steps in a standard staircase. The debate continues.
Ascending with purpose,
Harold Q. Balustrade IV
Deputy Assistant to the Regional Under-Secretary
International Bureau of Stair Licensing
(He/Him/Stairs)
REQUIRED FORMS
All forms must be submitted in triplicate. One copy for the Bureau, one copy for the Regional Office, and one copy that will be lost. This is procedure.
Required for any citizen who currently owns, rents, or has emotional attachment to a staircase. Processing time: 11 months. Sincerity of application judged by handwriting quality.
You must declare the exact number of steps in your staircase. If your count differs from our Assessor's count by more than zero (0) steps, your application is denied. Our Assessors count differently every time. This is by design.
All handrails must be assessed for emotional supportiveness. Does the handrail make you feel safe? Confident? Held? If no, the handrail is in violation. If yes, the handrail may be overperforming and requires investigation.
Spiral staircases require a separate license AND a signed affidavit from a medical professional confirming you will not become dizzy. The Bureau has lost 3 Assessors to spiral staircases. They are not dead. They are just still going around.
Escalators are stairs that have betrayed us. They move without permission. They consume electricity without remorse. If you operate an escalator, you must swear an oath acknowledging that it is a staircase that has gone rogue, and accept full liability for its ambitions.
If you do NOT have stairs, you must file this form confirming the absence of stairs. If we discover undeclared stairs on your property, you will be charged with Stair Fraud (a felony in 14 jurisdictions and a misdemeanor on the moon).
RECENT VIOLATIONS
The following violations have been issued in the current fiscal quarter. Names have been redacted. Stairs have not.
| Case # | Violation | Severity | Penalty |
|---|---|---|---|
| STAIR-0001 | Operating an unlicensed staircase (residential, 14 steps) | SEVERE | $4,200 fine + mandatory stair counseling |
| STAIR-0023 | Staircase exceeds approved step count by one (1) step | CRITICAL | Step must be removed. Homeowner must apologize to the step. |
| STAIR-0045 | Handrail found to be "emotionally distant" | MODERATE | Handrail enrolled in group therapy. Sessions ongoing. |
| STAIR-0067 | Spiral staircase installed without Dizziness Impact Report | SEVERE | Assessor dispatched. Assessor still spinning. Send help. |
| STAIR-0088 | Escalator achieved self-awareness, refuses to stop | EXISTENTIAL | Escalator has been granted provisional personhood pending review. |
| STAIR-0112 | Citizen caught using a ladder as an unlicensed portable staircase | MODERATE | Ladder confiscated. Citizen must use elevator or jump. |
| STAIR-0134 | Staircase found to have 13 steps (unlucky number, building code 66.6) | SUPERSTITIOUS | 14th step installed. Step goes nowhere. This is fine. |
FIELD INSPECTION REPORTS
Residential staircase, 13 steps (see violation STAIR-0134). Carpet is beige. The carpet has always been beige. The homeowner claims the carpet was once blue. There is no evidence of blue. The homeowner became emotional. I did not. I am a professional. The banister wobbles at step 7. Step 7 knows what it did. Handrail grip strength: disappointing. Overall assessment: this staircase has given up on life.
Escalator inspection. The escalator refused to stop during assessment. I rode it 47 times. My notes are written in the order I experienced them, which is circular. The escalator makes a sound at the top that I can only describe as "smug." It knows it does not need a license. It dares me to try. I am filing a restraining order against an escalator. My supervisor has not returned my calls.
Annual self-inspection of Bureau headquarters. Stairwell B continues to be the gold standard. 22 steps. Each step exactly 7.5 inches in height. Handrail is supportive both physically and emotionally. Carpet is regulation gray. I wept during the inspection but only because it was so beautiful. Stairwell A remains condemned since the Incident of 2019. We do not speak of Stairwell A.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
PUBLIC TESTIMONIALS
"I filed Form 27-B in 2019. It is now 2026. I have received 14 letters asking for additional documentation, including a 'photograph of each step from the step's perspective.' I do not know what this means. I have been sleeping on the ground floor for seven years. My upstairs no longer exists to me."
"The Bureau sent an Assessor to inspect my porch steps. She counted them nine times. She got a different number each time. She then accused my porch of 'non-compliance with the laws of arithmetic' and issued a fine. The porch has 3 steps. It has always had 3 steps. I think."
"I work for the Bureau. I have inspected 4,000 staircases. I dream about staircases. My therapist says I have a problem. My therapist's office is on the second floor. I assessed her staircase during our last session. She is in violation. I cannot unsee it."
"My escalator was granted provisional personhood by the Bureau after it refused to stop during an inspection. It now receives mail. It voted in the last election. I am being sued by my own escalator for 'hostile working conditions.' The escalator has a lawyer. The lawyer is a cat."
CURRENT BUREAU ALERTS
Status: DOES NOT EXIST. Do not look for Stairwell A. Do not ask about Stairwell A. If Stairwell A contacts you, do not respond. Stairwell A is not real. This alert is also not real. Disregard this alert.
Multiple escalators across the eastern seaboard have begun running in reverse without explanation. Three have applied for union membership. The Bureau recommends taking the elevator until further notice. The elevators are also acting strange but that is a different Bureau's problem.
Reports of staircases with inconsistent step counts have increased 400% this quarter. Citizens are advised to count their steps daily and report any changes. If your staircase gains a step overnight, do not use that step. It is not yours. It belongs to someone else's staircase. We are investigating.
Stairwell B remains in perfect compliance. 22 steps. Regulation gray. Emotionally supportive handrail. Deputy Balustrade has been observed visiting Stairwell B after hours. This is normal. He is simply conducting routine inspections. At 2 AM. In his bathrobe. This is fine.